she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
