I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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