ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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