once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
