were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Never underestimate the power of titties
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
