Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
