I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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