I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
