If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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