I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
