I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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