I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
