'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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