she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
