I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
