I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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