hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
