So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
