How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
sex in a hospital.. check
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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