I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
We are two peas in an std pod
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
