I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Randomize
