I hate all girls vehemently.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
