My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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