i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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