The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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