i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
