apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
