My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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