omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
