I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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