I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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