Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
