My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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