If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Buhtt sex?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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