I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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