... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
i now understand why vodka
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
