I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
