i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
