All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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