Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
