So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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