so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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