So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I didn't notice because vodka
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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