If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
