It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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