Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
