whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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