I'm going to jail i love you
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
do herpes really smell.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Someone shattered a urinal.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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