you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
