My girlfriend figured out who you are.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
